the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
did i walk over a car last night?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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