my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
