New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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