I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Quick, to the slutcave!
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Randomize
