Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
