i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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