also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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