Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
