Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
