You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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