Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
