You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
