new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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