Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Drunk is a universal language darling
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
