i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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