happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Randomize
