i just wanna soil my oats bro
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Let's paint friendship bongs
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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