i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Randomize
