True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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