He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
