I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
