I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
