I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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