The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
