On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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