i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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