please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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