Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
