you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
