my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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