My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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