I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
