I cannot find my penis.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Randomize
