this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
