you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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