so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
