It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
My vagina is officially offended.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
