remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
