Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize