I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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