I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
wow bdsm is so cute
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