Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
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