Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
