on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
