Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
