I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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