Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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