it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
