I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
