Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Life is so much better after having sex.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
