you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
