Dude my mom stole all your condoms
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
