dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
