Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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