$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize