My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Randomize
