i would punch a child for taco bell
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
This gyro tastes like lonliness
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
